It wasn’t until we got to a random motel in Oregon I noticed my ankles had swollen about three times their size with little feeling to them. Then the discomfort set in. After a whirlwind three days driving from Denver to Seattle, we made it to my mom’s house and attributed my feet swelling to late pregnancy, the August heat wave, and the move, but weren’t sure yet if it was preeclampsia. After a few days of monitoring and stress tests on baby Lily at 29 weeks, I was sent to UW Montlake for a longer stress test and to meet with one of the OBGYN’s there (I had one meeting with a midwife in Seattle upon our move back as well as midwifery up until that point in prenatal care; they decided further medical intervention beyond their practice was necessary); three hours, to see her progress. After one too many drops in her heart, they decided to send me upstairs to the labor and delivery wing for “additional monitoring”, but I think it was maybe known to the medical staff I’d likely be delivering that evening and they wanted to ease me into the idea of an emergency c-section knowing how severe my anxiety is. A c-section was something I never, ever considered and felt like my biggest fear. The idea to be cut open and awake was nerve wracking in itself but it being random, even worse.

As the day went on, our nurses said I’d need to stay the evening in the hospital and the more and more apparent it became that Lily would likely be making a much earlier entrance than expected. Her due date was October 19th and it was August 11th. Their solution at that moment was to keep me in the hospital as long as possible on constant monitoring for 8 - 10 weeks, or 34 weeks at the earliest and do a c-section then if they couldn’t wait 8-10 weeks. Oh my god. At that point, maybe the c-section was a better option for me... But for Lily? The best would be staying in as long as possible, they thought then.

By late afternoon they decided my fluids and Lily’s were too low; I needed an IV to get extra hydration to Lily, which they tried three times and was so freaking painful to get correct but after it was finally placed, I started feeling a little better. After a few more blood draws and tests, they realized the placenta was not delivering enough nutrients, especially iron, to Lily and the solution was to immediately deliver her as her and I were at risk of depleted nutrients, stroke and seizure with my normal blood pressure of 117/60 rising to 154/90 with the preeclampsia progressing fast and early. Dozing off and on for some of the evening in anxiety and exhaustion, around 1am they let Tanner and I know a c-section was going to happen and they’d be back in a little to get me ready.

Time passed in an instant and the next thing I remember is being wheeled into the operating room with some really sweet nurses calming my tears with anti-anxiety medication and an epidural injected. Once the epidural was done, Tanner was allowed to come in the operating room and sat to my left holding my hand the entire time. To mama’s or those out there wondering if the c-section hurt, it did not, but it was incredibly uncomfortable and even given the anxiety medication help, I felt disgusting knowing what was going on and feeling jerking movements inside me. However, knowing I’d see my girl any minute, it was a combination of adrenaline for multiple reasons. Minutes passed, and when I heard them say “she’s here!“ tears rolled down my cheek like never before. August 12th, 2021, 3:59am. Held above the clear surgical screen in front of me briefly; she was glorious. She was so small. Otherworldly beautiful.

I was so worried. I couldn’t run to her. Or hold her. All I wanted. Tanner was immediately rushed to the room next door with doctors and nurses attaching an oxygen mask and various medical devices to Lily. With a drugged out nod from me to be with our girl, I was alone with warm tears of joy and anxiety while they sewed me up. She was breathing; she was healthy. She was the weight a 30 week old baby should be. 2 pounds 12 ounces. She was just pushed to be a little earlier than she anticipated with preeclampsia changing our timeline. After a few minutes with Tanner gone, I couldn’t take being alone and asked the nurse to have him come back as Lily was moved to the NICU.

After the delivery, I was wheeled to a larger more comfortable room than I was wheeled out of earlier and forget much of it other than resting. After an allergic reaction to OxyContin which caused SEVERE itching and burning, I was given Valium and it was a much better fit for my body chemistry. The minute I could and was coherent enough, which was later on in the day, I tried so hard to get in a wheel chair with the most pain I’ve ever battled to go see my daughter in the NICU. A small bean wrapped in medial equipment under fluorescent lights in an incubator. I just wanted to touch her. I broke down and went back to my room. After three days, she was breathing normally enough on her CPAP and regulating her temperature enough that she was able to be held outside her isolate!!! Three days that felt like an eternity. The moment we should have had at birth we could finally have. On the afternoon of the fourth day after birth, I was given the okay to be discharged and go home. Though, over the next two months, home became the NICU.

64 days of driving to and from the hospital to spend whatever time we could with our daughter. The most tiring, slow, yet fast experience of my life. The most knowledge I’ve ever learned in such a short time. After over two months, we fought to be given the option of allowing Lily to go home if we learned to place her feeding tube. We could undergo training or have her continue care in the NICU; we chose to bring her home and undergo training to place her tube. We passed and our girl was able to finally come home and be with mommy and daddy on October 15th, 4 days before her due date.

This has been an incredibly traumatic and fast entrance to motherhood but created a bond unlike any other I’ve ever felt and helped me grow so much through fear and anxieties to know all things happen in time. Lily is almost 6 months now and I think we’re finally settling into our routine and her hospital days are long behind us. Our little 2 pound 12 ounce girl is now over 13 pounds; I can’t believe it